oxymoron.

I can still remember the way it felt when I guided my hands along his ribs. I wanted those days back. He made me feel protected. He made me feel alive.
He made me feel. Really, really feel.

I'm not sure what love is about, or how it feels when other people feel it.
It seems to me that all emotions are self-defined. It's not as easy to say you feel love as it is to say you're sitting on a chair. It's not as easy to say you feel angry or depressed as it is to say the sky is blue.
Well... not to say, but to decide.

I don't remember when I decided to be cryptic. I can hardly remember how I used to be in middle school, or in my freshman year of high school, or even last year. Maybe because I don't care all that much. Maybe because it matters much more who I am now.

I ramble and brood, and it gets me no where.
I get angry, and I create. I get depressed, and I destroy. I don't think it's generally so obvious when I'm either of these things anymore, though.

I cannot change anyone but myself.
I have trouble accepting that... and yet, even if it's for the better, I shouldn't want to change the people I care about. I love them as they are.

I don't want anyone to suffer in any way that I've suffered, but I know that I've seldom taken anyone's advice - even my own. I don't want to stick my nose in other people's business all the time. I don't want to meddle. I want people to grow and become stronger on their own.
I expect so much from people, but I have so little faith in them.

In my own relationships, I want to feel comfortable and secure. I want someone who will be my rock at the times when I go off the deep end. I want someone to be the stable one when I'm anything but.
At the same time, I want someone who will motivate me. I want someone who'll give me healthy competition. I want someone who'll push me outside of my comfort zone.
I want someone who won't fight over me, but fight for me.


I have a lot to think about while I'm at Cabo. I'm not sure how I'm keeping it together so well when I've fallen apart over less before.
Maybe I'm just stronger than I was.
Or maybe I'm just becoming apathetic.