fruitless trees.

I want to start by saying this: I am not wise.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I have theories, but it's all trial and error. Nothing extraordinary. Nothing that the average person couldn't do on their own. I feel as though I'm constantly losing my temper and avoiding important conversations. I have double-standards, and yet I'm harder on myself than I think my friends and family are combined.
Some people have told me that they look to me as a role model, but I'm not sure I can see why. Because I have finally begun to manage my life without emotionally unraveling? Because I'm attempting to fix my problems? Because I'm done treating my life as hopeless?

Hopelessness. I'd guess that I know that feeling just as well as any other angst-y teenager. We've all curled up with it, and cried over the fact that there are things in our lives that we cannot change; there are pains in our life that we cannot escape; we are stuck in these situations forever and ever.
And, no, I don't believe that anymore.

There have been very few things in my life that I felt were wholly mine. I have always been the odd man out. I have always felt somehow distant and disconnected.
I feel as though I'm able to graze parts every part of my life with my fingertips, but never grab onto them. I have this family. I have these friends. I have this boyfriend, that boyfriend. But, somehow, they are not mine. They are not my property. I'm just a cloud, passing over home, hovering over the moon, looking down on a creek and a pirate ship.
I never in my life considered that maybe other people could feel the same way.
I also never in my life considered that maybe other people are the clouds, passing through.

It's useless to try and catch clouds. That's not my job.
It's just my job to continue forward, and so that's what I'm doing.

To move forward, sometimes you have to let go. And yes, sometimes it hurts. Sometimes, it's almost unbearable.
But you know what? I'd rather move forward than stay in the same spot forever and ever.

I am not wise, but someday, I'd like to be.