archive.

I've lost the urge to put up walls. It's too much work to try and keep people out when I want them to come in and stay.
Maybe it's for the best to not hide things for now. Untruths make things messy.

I have these strange thoughts in my head that certain actions will somehow be extremely significant, that some things will have a major affect on other things.
For example, me cutting and dyeing my hair when I want to change something major in my life. Burning old letters and pictures. Deleting texts and voice mails.

I want there to be some kind of panacea for all the stupid emotional ailments I let myself be affected by.
I seem to think it's "destroy, and watch life grow through the ashes".
Maybe I don't have to cut anything, or burn anything, or throw anything away.

I'm thinking, though, that it's a lot harder to move forward with heavy weights tied to my wrists and ankles. Maybe it gets easier. Maybe I get stronger.
Or maybe it just ends up doing a whole lot of avoidable damage.

Ah, well. I guess we'll see if my first theory was the better choice.


hold your breath and count to ten
then fall apart, then start again